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Ways to be Annoying...
• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
• In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
• Name your dog “Dog.”
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
• Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
• Sing along at the opera.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your co-workers.
• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• Go to a poetry recital and complain loudly that the poems don’t rhyme.
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
• Speak only in a “robot” voice.
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Signal that conversations are over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
• Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
• Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

A Cornhusker was driving down an old country road when he spots another Cornhusker in a corn field rowing a boat. He pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief he stands at the side of the road to watch the man for a while. When he could not stand it any more he called out to the Cornhusker in the field.
“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”
The Cornhusker in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of corn.”
The Husker standing on the side of the road is furious. He yells at the man in the field, “It’s people like you that give the Big Red a reputation for being stupid.”
The Cornhusker in the field just shrugged his shoulders and began rowing again.
The Husker on the side of the road was beside himself, shook his fist at the man in the field, then yelled, “If I could swim, I’d come out there and punch you out!”

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

My body is a temple, with ample parking in the rear!

Why don't psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread!

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, “How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?”
Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him.”
Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I've got to tell you something.”
Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks.”

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, “When did that happen?”
“1215,” answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, “Shooot! Just missed it by a half hour!”

Things You’d Be Surprised To Hear Yoda Say...
• What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect???
• I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice caves.
• Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both a light side and a dark side it has. Binds the universe together it does!
• No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.
• Never underestimate the powers of the dark side. Or that James Carville guy.
• Yeah yeah. Force this!
• Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side they are!
• Size matters not... hey, laughing at what are you?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why are there Braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad?

A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, ‘The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!’
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says, ‘BRIDGE OUT' instead?”

A young man gives his blonde wife a mobile phone for their anniversary.
The next day the wife goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.
“Hi Hun,” he says, “how do you like your new phone?”
She replies, “I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand.”
“What's that, Hun?” asks the husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

The Pirate Captain had his first mate up in the crow's nest, ready to tell him how many cannons enemy ships had. “Three cannons!” Was yelled down.
The Captain turned to a crewmember. “Fetch me my red shirt!” He ordered.
Later, the crewmember asks him why he wanted his red shirt. “That way if I'm wounded, the blood will be the same color as the shirt and no one will notice it.”
The first mate yells down that he's spotted another ship a few days later. “Twelve cannons!” He cries.
The Captain turns to the crewmember again. “Bring me my brown pants!”

A Few Groaners...
• My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
• Q: What do you give a lemon when it’s hurt?
A: Lemonade.
• Parachute for sale. No strings attached.
• A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
• The sign on the escalator door read, “This escalator is out of whack.” By the next day someone used a crayon to add “More whack is on order.”
• Q: What kind of horses do ghosts ride?
A: Nightmares
• Q: What 2 words contain hundreds of letters?
A: Post Office


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This page was last updated on 10/17/08 


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Revised: October 17, 2008